Saturday, 01 September 2007

• summers at an end, mixed feelings swarming about. i feel so much older then when summer ended, im not really sure what happened. relationships have been built, broken, made awkward, and laid to rest, and of all of them, i regret most of the decisions that i had made. my new and last school year is coming up and its actually quite sickening. it feels like a lot of what i have worked for will turn into meaningless dust. after senior year ends, things will have dramatic changes. relationships i have now may and probably will drift, feelings i may have now will most likely be put to an end, and many things i enjoy now will probaby never be enjoyed again. without question. i kind of feel like a broken old man, whos purpose is already fulfiled, the grave beckoning him to enter. after highschool is over, no doubt i shall make several bad decisions with life-changing consequences. sometimes it just seems easier to end now, have my final chapter in my life telling the end of senior year, the end of high school with some unfortunate accident that leaves me in a lifelong coma or death. this summer was unusually taxing to me spiritually. i feel i have grown in many aspects, but at the same time ravaged in others. my life is built on regrets and i feel like ive grown wiser from them, but more unhappy as well. this summer was enjoyable in other aspects tho. i went to one of the retreats i had ever been to, ive spent a lot of valuable time with some old friends, and i ate a great amount of good food (mostly in thanks to John Choi and my best friends moms cooking skills).

  i regret too much tho, i should just be able to live with what ive done, but sometimes its bittersweet to recall moments and think about what wouldve been a favorable alternative to what actually occurred, but dwelling on that usually drives me insane. it may sound cliche, but sometimes i just had a time machine. with the knowledge that i had now, much couldve changed. but as reality so unfortunately puts it, no such miraculous things could possibly be in existant, the imagination has its own universe. i just wish i knew what i was doing, that i wasnt such a coward, such a fool. that i didnt fall into such easy traps and made such silly mistakes that couldve been easily avoided. it almost seems as tho happiness is a folly impossible to attain. my erratic behavior has made much impossible for me. my personality is a wreck. humor can only take one so far. i wish it would just end

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